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[Monday November 30th] yeah i guess i'm doing okay i moved in with the strangest guy do you believe he actually thinks that i am really alive? my family is moving out in the spring and i am staying behind to rent out this place because my name is on the lease so technically they can leave gradually move all their shit out once they leave, etc etc. so i'll be living here alone paying the cheapest rent and i don't know what i'll do. i never wanted this i never wanted to live here i never wanted anything that i have at this current moment in time. + look for it.

[Sunday November 29th] i woke up again with the intent of killing myself then my mom started giving me shit like she only does when she is pmsing then i thought of you and i just want to drive a knife into my heart so bad but i'm too much of a coward i just sit here and suffer whenever a long distance number calls, and it does that weird ring i get sick to my stomach and it's never you everything goes crazy i just want my drugs back but i can't do that i'm taking my anti-depressant now and i just want out of this fucking world. i can't feel like this anymore i can't fucking handle it. please do something. i'm getting scared because my fits of.. sadness, anger are getting more intense i break whatever glass is nearby and then pick it up with bare hands and i don't give a shit and i cry and cover my ears and can't breathe and i'm scared it'll get worse and i'll be so blinded by how shit this world is that i'll just go and next thing i know, i'll be dead. i thought it would get easier with time but then i think, it's been a week, and you're just fine without me no calls nothing nothing you're probably laughing and flirting with some girl or guy and i just can't take it this time. i need out, or i need in, but i'm still waiting through hell every day thinking i'll wake up from this nightmare at some point. if you see me walking, crossing the street, or something please go out of your way to speed up and hit me. # never found it.never found it. + look for it.

you won't know [Saturday November 28th] [ mood | dead ] i need to go to the mall and return the things i got you i need to eat i need to cry. how did i go days without crying? thanks to the anti-depressants i guess though at the same time i feel just as dead inside. i feel broken and hopeless and like i need to find some point to my life now numbed up from the meds but still just as much a void as ever 1 week sober. i've kicked the habit for you, and you're not even here to be proud of me i'm doing it for you even though it won't make any difference. hey hey hey mr. hangman go get your rope your daughters weren't careful i fear that i am a slippery slope now even if i lay my head down at night after a day i got perfectly right she won't know she won't know. + look for it.

[Friday November 27th] i've dropped ten lbs, easy all i do is sleep, wake up, toss and turn, cry, think about killing myself repeat. i can't eat for the life of me. i've never slept so much in my life my whole body hurts from the withdrawal but before i fall asleep every night i take my anti-depressants i need to eat with them but i just can't. sometimes i wake up feeling like i'll die that day, sometimes i wake up and i'm fine. it's almost been a week i haven't called i really hope i just wither away and deteriorate because at this rate, i am but at least i'm not involving her this time. i'll suffer in silence until it eventually gets better or i get the courage to take myself out of the equation. you deserve to have that on your conscience your whole life. and i deserve a better world movies tomorrow, hopefully i'll be able to eat something and get the strength to get on the bus and sink into my friends couch and stare at the screen and occupy my mind with fairly good people. i've been waking up not breathing lately and that's scary also i've dreamt about three times this past week where i'm screaming until i feel like my throat will tear out, and i wake myself up i dreamt that you called me why do my dreams always tease me and hurt me so much worse? if only i had if only i could have avoided this i could have it's too late now. + look for it.

[Thursday November 26th] i am ready + look for it.

[Saturday November 21st] basement ghost singing just kill me now there's broken glass and blood and my hair is soaked and i gotta clean my new tattoo but my life just fell apart in my hands again and i need to do a lot of thinking, a lot of writing. will this ever stop happening to me? + look for it.

[Friday November 20th] it happened again i'm doomed i think i don't have any survival skills. + look for it.

[Monday November 16th] [ mood | blank ] [ music | tegan and sara ] “Love is the most poetic emotion that we know, and at the same time one of our most basic needs. Its associated experiences and fantasies are delineated in the myths and fairytales of innumerable societies and cultures, yet its causes and impact still escape our full comprehension. It has been mocked as a transient illusion and celebrated as a blind, biological imperative - the expression of an immensely powerful life force. The idea of love as a biological drive provided a starting point for the revolutionary theories of Sigmund Freud. His psychology of love was grounded in the belief that the role of the libido, operating at the unconscious level of animal instinct, had been vastly underestimated in identifying both the source of love and the seemingly mysterious process by which we select a love object. Freud was the first to propose a coherent theory of love based on scientific principles. He concluded that we fall in love because we follow rules buried below the level of our conscious thought. Psychoanalysis seemed to reveal that these rules were derived from our infancy and in particular from our sensual attachment to those who loved us - or those who did not love us, although we longed for them to do so. Freud’s theories have been much criticized, yet he remains the 20th century’s most influential psychologist. The interdependence of male and female needs, also emphasized by Freud, was first perceived many centuries earlier. In Chinese philosophy, the whole universe in infused with the opposing yet complementary powers of yin and yang, representing essential female and male qualities. The symbol for yin and yang epitomizes their mutual dependence - two perfectly integrated halves unite to form a complete, harmonious circle. Many modern psychologists believe that our psychosexual identity contains male and female aspects, and that they play some part in determining with whom we fall in love. The importance of the first few years of life is also now thought to be considerable. In relationships as adults we tend to seek a replacement for the love and attention once experienced in childhood - perhaps accounting for the almost magical, absolute certainty with which lovers frequently seem to recognize one another. Falling in love involves an often contradictory mixture of sexual desire, emotions and values. The paradoxes of love swiftly become apparent: a longing for closeness contends with the need to assert our own identity, and erotic desire itself is episodic. The need to feel a sense of power in a relationship - and yet also have the confidence to surrender control - fluctuates from day to day. Our ability to balance these diverse psychosexual demands determines the success or otherwise of our love relationships. For most people, depite - or even because of - its many contradictions and difficulties, love is still an emotion to be valued above all else.” Megan Tressider, The Secret Language of Love follow me on tumblr. i'm just starting out but it's hella interesting. http://langis.tumblr.com + look for it.

from first to last in toronto [Thursday October 29th] wow last night was SO AWESOME pictures later.. for now i'm hungover and need more sleep. + look for it.

[Wednesday October 28th] woooo i'm leaving for FFTL/COV in abouttt... 4 hours. better go power nap. >.- + look for it.

[Tuesday October 27th] she finally told me she loves me after not hearing it for months and months.. since springtime we made a big accomplishment tonight but it'll take a bit for me to tell her the same thing in return. + look for it.

[Friday October 23rd] wow, this is bullshit. this is great. just awesome. + look for it.

[Friday October 16th] I HATE YOU # never found it.never found it. + look for it.

pleine saveur [Friday October 16th] i'm taking more and more anti-anixety meds that aren't working and cutting myself up and rocking back and forth and crying and wanting to die and you knew this would happen and you told me you'd be there for me when it does. but you fucked off again you fuck me up i need help two more days of this? 12 hours in and i'm this close to snapping? thanks for making it ten times harder than you knew it was going to be thanks for lying saying i could rely on you. i'm sitting here dealing with it alone. a l o n e + look for it.

[Friday October 16th] i need help i need help i need help + look for it.

[Thursday October 15th] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | above & beyond pres. oceanlab ] nobody's ever disappointed me more in my life why do i fucking bother. somebody please tell me why i can't help but bother over and over and over until i'm .. screwed because i barely fuck anything up and she always does and then i'm always bitching but how is it so hard to do something nice for me!!!?!? you fucking hypocritical, selfish, double-standard.. ugh cat and mouse, lead me on, fuck with me please, stop. plus, everything else is fucking up when things go bad for me, they go REALLY BAD everyone is being a bitch to me everyone fucking does it at the same time and i'm TRYING to make it through withdrawls you tell me OVER and OVER you want to help me and be there for me etc etc and it comes down to it and you've NEVER taken the oppurtunity to prove it to me you always fuck me over you have the worst timing and then you have a choice, and you never choose me especially after all the crap you put me through, and then came back to me is it not NATURAL to want to make it up to me, and prove everything you want to prove? you told me you'd be here for me and now you're gone for, who knows how many days because your fucking fangirling and stupid teenage shit and YOUR happiness is more important than a committment you made to me. why the fuck can't i leave? + look for it.

12 pencils [Wednesday October 14th] [ mood | crappy ] if you saw my post before this, you would see that i made an effort but whatever i've been working hard all night mom called the rehab center and there's a 5 week program and she's trying to convince me to go but ... i've been working hard all fucking night and i feel sick and so tired and i still have to stay up for the cable people my vision is blurred as i write this if the cable guys don't show up, i'll be pissed well anyways, i'm so fucking disgusted right now i just never get through or get anywhere with you do i after 3 fucking years thanks a lot. this is why i was so iffy and cautious about adding you two days in and you've already blocked me if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen don't fucking turn my caution against me, and when i finally let my guard down make all this bullshit drama and say 'i don't want you on twitter, i don't want to deal with the bullshit' that's what I WAS SAYING from the beginning!! i finally give in, and you fuck me around humiliate me, as per usual it's my fucking journal and i can say whatever i want you know that maybe think twice before saying you want to get that close to me again. my mom says, it's not your fault, you were raised wrongly, and now you're all fucked up and immature but i say, i can change that, and show you that there's better things out there mature things like me~ and yeah, i have a few flaws but i admit to it and i fix it i don't fuck you around for years keep on doing the same shit, telling you i'll change, doing it again, acting completely different one night, acting a bitch the next i understand you're still a child and your brain hasn't matured yet but i'm trying to teach you along the way and fix everything that the way you were brought up made you like but you don't seem to give a shit in the end. so what shall i do the next time you're seeking comfort from me and pouring your heart out? i'll tell you to fuck off, because the next day you'll probably be saying the same to me. i can't trust you with my sympathy i can't trust you with my arms i can't trust what's in your heart, whatever it is stop being a two-faced, manipulative bitch or tell me to leave you and never try to help you or offer you things again. you don't realise how ungrateful you are i'm so sick of waiting for you to grow up, and be CONSISTENT with the things you say/ways you act. i'm done ranting i have more cleaning to do, thanks. # never found it.never found it. + look for it.

peter jackson famous virginia tobacco [Wednesday October 14th] [ mood | crappy ] [ music | above&beyond ] i have a few things about me that i need to fix 'i'm all at sea and so unwise' or.. i could be wrong. either way- + look for it.

[Tuesday October 13th] i'm so cold it's already gone into the -minus this week and frost warnings and blah blah blah. life is not so great, but i've got a bottle of wine, wait i guess it's not so bad zombie walk downtown on the 24th, FFTL on the 28th, MJ this is it, halloween, my addiction.. it's not so bad, but in my head, it's pretty bad i'm teething again, my gums are splitting i guess i need to get my wisdom teeth pulled right.. ugh. oh well, that means i'll get a prescription for some kind of painkiller. i really don't give a fuck right now. doubt + look for it.

[Tuesday October 13th] [ mood | frustrated ] [ music | time to pretend ] it hurts for me to say/think this, but i'm not sure you're the one if time changes you, then maybe you are and that's what i believe. i believe you'll shed your flaws over these teenage years, like i did and we'll be two perfect people for eachother. i'm starting to think though that life has too much going on, and i'll never be able to handle it and that these past 8 months will stick with me forever. it's just not something i can just wish away. i feel like i'm too far gone, i feel like the things that happened are things that just won't be fixed but .. it's still only been a couple months since you came back and i guess i need to wait longer to see if you really want me if you want more than just to call me baby want me for more than my company want to make me happy want to do all the things i wanted to do for you ever since i was 18. maybe you'll turn 18, and feel the way i've felt for you since i was.. around that age sorry just, when i'm sober, reality hits and this is real and i'm letting it all out. i'm scared but i really want to forget about everything that happened yes, i'm crying right now over it you just went to bed and i wish i could erase the month of march erase the couple months before it and after it i wish i could erase everything actually because i still can't believe you did that to me and i still can't believe you won't do it again. you tell me i bring it up constantly, but it's like if you're a runner and you break your leg and your managers want you to run marathons.. you just CAN'T run them, because your fucking leg is broken. my leg is broken, and you're my manager, and i can't run the fucking marathon you want me to run. father time, pass quickly for me, please? i want this to heal up i just want more than anything to erase everything that happened. you're still where i find all my comfort, but it's not going to be easy all of this is hard and uncertain, and so many other things, but everyday i'm going to keep trying until it either gets easier, and we go back to when everything was perfect, or i realise i can never look at you the same. night~ # never found it.never found it. + look for it.

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